You’d think.
After graduating High School – after graduating College – after applying for a hundred jobs – after buying your first honest-to-god business suit, you would calm down. You would mellow. You would fit.
Nope.
Always have – always will have a problem with authority figures. In elementary school, counsellors wrote in big block letters “does not play well with others” -been going downhill ever since.
Call you strange – call you short bus – call you a non-comformist. You just didn’t like being told what to do. As your College Psych professor pointed out; “you just march to a different drummer, that’s all”.
Some relief. Could have told everyone that. But you didn’t know what it meant. You’re not that way with everybody – just people in charge.
Could probably explain why, six months after joining the Work Force you’re working on job Number 5. You just don’t last more than three weeks.
And you drink a lot – there’s that. Five o’clock rolls around and you’re heading to your usual liquor store – getting the same fifth of Johnnie Walker – telling the cashier the same thing; it’s for an edge you need to get rid of. Breath mints could make a career out of you, for all the mornings you sweat Johnnie Walker and exhale Spearmint.
And you aren’t sure why your love life is frozen in time – last time you got laid was three Presidents ago. Got along famously – borderline Soul Mate – but you snored – you snored loud – you snored to the point of waking up the neighborhood – you snored every girlfriend out of your life. The things you do, being unconscious.
Lately you’ve taken to Drunk Dialing – calling women you met once – calling women you knew in Junior High school – calling women who never call you back.
And you get chatty – and you remember things – and there’s always silence on the other end. You have been described as lovable, but from a distance – you have been called “a nice guy, but I would never sleep with you” – you have been talked about, especially at work. You are life’s own question mark.
So what are you to do with you?
Good question.
You envisioned your remaining time on earth as the Great contrarian.
That was, until the day you got a promotion – you became manager. The one time you lasted at a job more than a month – you became an authority figure.
You became the people you despised. You could tell people what to do – you were going to be the last one to sign off – you got the company credit card .
You’re in charge – now what?
Office with a view – people call you “sir” in the hallway – your own secretary.
Being one of the people you despised wasn’t so bad after all. It only took you thirty years to realize that.
But just then the phone started to ring. It wouldn’t stop and it was annoying. You had a secretary, why wasn’t she picking it up?
You opened the door to see where she was.
And came face to face with a spitting image of the Boys vice-Principal, holding a sharp pointed stick, yelling that you were next.
You slammed the door and made a run for the fire escape just outside your office window, quickly following by the Boys VP and the pointed stick.
The Fire Escape seemed like a good plan, but it was a hundred stories to the ground. You turned to pick up the phone to call for help but heard a loud singing commercial for Carnation Instant Breakfast on the other end.
You sensed something was amiss.
The Clock Radio was set to six a.m. and came complete with KROQ blasting at 11, right into your ear.
In the manner of rude awakenings, you were wondering where the pointed stick came from as you peeled yourself off the ceiling.
Funny thing, sleep. On top of that, you hate scotch.
Here’s a little over 90 minutes of KROQ from November 1985 that you can set your timer to. Or not.
