You didn’t know how that thing worked – You were the last to know – the last to figure it out – the last to be picked.
When they talk about popularity they don’t talk about you – when they talk about looks, they don’t talk about you. When they talk about the world’s great lovers you enter nobody’s mind, even as a joke.
That’s just you – B average kind of guy – you’re pleasant enough – beige and harmless – you won’t stop traffic – you smile at people – they smile back, you never get to Step Two.
You have fantasies – you have an imagination – you wear your heart on your sleeve, but it’s always rolled up.
So when a friend of a friend of a friend mentions that “someone in your English class has the hots for you”, your head explodes.
You know who it is – stomach does back-flips – hands spring leaks – you’ve had a crush – couldn’t get to Part 2 – you can’t look at her.
Mountain of Jell-o. Friends ask if you’ve made contact – no – for no good reason.
You finally decide – since it IS English, write a letter – a long one – recite Shakespeare – pour your heart out – you can be awkward later.
20 drafts; a masterpiece – even YOU would fall in love with you if you didn’t know you already. On her desk before class. Wait.
She opens it – she reads it – she finishes it – she buries her face in her hands – she surfaces perplexed – she gazes around, looks for the perpetrator. She stares past you – your shoulders drop two flights of stairs. She’s pretending, right?
You’re pissed – you burned out good brain cells over that letter – no smile – no grin – no giggle – no tilted head – no “you’re a nice guy, but . . .”
Walk up to her after class – hope for a response – she squints – no idea who you are.
Friends are falling over laughing – April Fools day a week late – feel like a wad of dandruff. Beet red. You promise to kill them – you hold grudges – whole lifetimes worth.
She finds you at lunch – tells you she loved the letter – movie on Saturday? Heart races – Jaw drops to floor.
Maybe you won’t kill your friends after all.
Here’s 45 minutes worth of The Real Don Steele from April 28, 1965 – just to make sure.
