Nobody said being a cheerleader was dull work.
You had the Basketball face to prove it.
Blame Gwen, she had the bright idea to pep things up with a few well-sloshed Budweisers “just to take the edge off”.
Never much of a drinker – no booze in the house. Had a Boones Farm Strawberry Hill at a party and barfed for an hour straight – boyfriend wasn’t thrilled, especially with the upholstery in his Camaro. Broke up after that. He said you were bad for his bank account. He was a cheapskate.
12th Grade you joined the Cheerleading squad. You were one of the “cute ones” so you got picked.
Gwen was the old-timer – she was a cheerleader since 11th grade – now she was Captain – knew all the guys on the team – knew which ones were good targets and which ones were full of themselves.
Came in handy, especially during game season.
First time – Gwen had two bottles of Budweiser hidden in her gym bag.
Split a bottle and gulped – went straight to your head – you felt sensational.
Nailed a few well choreographed moves and you were unstoppable.
When one of your squad mates casually asked if you had been drinking, carrying a supply of gum became mandatory.
Pretty soon the rest of the squad were joining in. Some were adding to the mix, bringing their own. It became a pre-game ritual.
It was when you were playing Barstow High that things went nuts.
Rumor it was getting down to freezing – and the wind chill factor. . .
That’s when a bottle of Jagermeister appeared. Something about “warming up the blood” made perfect sense, especially when it was supposed to get down to freezing at game time. You didn’t sign up for being frozen, but you were a trooper.
Disguised as Hot Chocolate, the six of you polished off the contents of the Green Mind melter just in time for kick-off.
Freezing was an abstract concept – so was completing a sentence.
An attack of giggles erupted through the squad – followed by bellows, shrieks and loud threats to the opposing team. You attempted a few stabs at leading cheers to the few people sitting in the bleachers from your school. They were met with howls of laughter which the Coach assumed was about them. Not good for morale, but you were on a roll – you didn’t care.
That’s when the opposing teams cheerleaders showed up and a minor riot ensued. Pom-poms were preempted by fists and a timeout was called while coaches, captains and half-backs pulled the warring cheerleaders off of each other before the game could resume.
You got carted off with the others and promptly passed out in the back of the bus until the game was over.
Your team didn’t get past zero. You vaguely remember being yelled at by the coach and the team captain and how you were all getting suspended and setting bad examples and you had to apologize to the other school on Monday.
You swore off Budweiser for the time being and Jagermeister for the remainder of your life and maybe the next one. You managed to get grounded for the rest of the semester and your days as a cheerleader were stopped dead in their tracks.
On the ride home, somebody had their boom-box on and KMET wafted over the rows of sullen football players as you drifted in and out of sleep.
Halfway home you realized your face was getting swollen. You felt like a basketball.
Oh swell, two black eyes and a busted lip – what are you gonna tell your folks?
Your face will do the talking – in the meantime . . .
Here’s a half-hours worth of KMET with Paraquat Kelly and Mary Turner from March 1980.
