Nobody told you – an army of icepicks diving straight into your head. You’ve thrown up everything you’ve eaten since you were a sperm cell.
You had signs – you had friends – they stared at you – they warned you – you wouldn’t listen – you were yelling “fuck you” to her parents – the day before Thanksgiving party. Her house. Your girlfriend – WAS your girlfriend. Last thing you remember was breaking glass – you got very wet. Something about three in the morning and neighbors. And it was a brand new carpet.
People laughed . . .at first. But that’s like you. You’re funny – you do funny things – you say funny things – you take your clothes off do more funny things. People laugh. People stop laughing. They try to shut you up – next thing you remember; the phone is ringing.
Maybe it was a dream – you’ve had those. Not this time. Phone won’t stop. You’re blind from the hangover. You can’t find it. It’s under something. Something wet and feels like rice – smells like Rum. It’s all over the floor. It’s all over you. Phone keeps ringing. Feeling around a sticky floor and your hand lands on a sticky phone.
You make the mistake – you pick it up. The yelling on the other end is relentless – you’re called things – things you have a hard time imagining – but they’re bad things and it’s the former girlfriend and her dad’s an attorney and you’ll be owing a lot of money. And don’t come for Thanksgiving.
It seems you did a great job wrecking the place – wasn’t your fault. Blame Captain Morgan. Blame the Pineapple Juice.
And now YOUR parents are getting into it, pounding on your bedroom door. Sheriff’s are outside, asking if the car is yours and why is it lumpy, where did the blood come from, why are the fenders missing . . . and you’re under arrest.
You are grounded for the rest of your life. Worse – your brain is gone – you can’t find your clothes – no one can explain your underwear – your clock radio blasts on – it’s KLSX – it’s Jeff Gonzer – why is he so happy? Oh yeah, it’s Thanksgiving. Your parents beg the sheriff’s to let you shower – they take one look and agree.
Your first major hangover – you made it a good one – you’re not going to forget it.
Not till Christmas anyway.
And while you’re contemplating the other points of the Bermuda Triangle, here is Jeff Gonzer at KLSX from Thanksgiving Morning, 1993 for a whole hour.
